pluiedavril

If I kissed you now, I'd suck the life right from your body
I'd rattle your bones with the gusts of my tornado and send you whirling through glass
And you would be so affected, you'd be gasping for air
You'd be grabbing your chest, you'd be crying an ocean
I would push you through your own walls and then bring you back inside, just to keep you near
But if I kissed you right now, you would beg me for more
And I am too tired
You would name me incredible
And I am too modest
You would want to hold me forever
And I am too independent
You would long to savor this moment
And I haven't stopped running
If I kissed you right now
You would know how much I love you
And I am so afraid

I can't breathe
I can't breathe here and I need an escape
Everyone's face is white and smart
I need to leave the streets of perfection
Simplification
Preserve me
Unbind me
Release my mind
I'll trace the shape of your body
Your back is my thigh
I think I breathed you now
Just now, a little touch of air
Inhalation = Salvation
Come back because when you are away, all that you've fixed falls apart
Come back because there is only a small part of me here, and it longs to be whole
Tonight, you entered my dreams
You took them so deep, you rendered me still
My body shuddered, just now, you shook my peace
I suppose a repose will unleash your deamons
They only come out at night
I suppose I could breathe and take in your ashes
I'll fall to cinders myself to be one with you again
I think I breathed you now
Just now
A little touch
of air.

I am not going to tell you about my day, my weekend, my trip to the market. I am not going to tell you about how I live, I am going to tell you why I live. I am not going to share with you what I do, I'm letting you know what I feel. I'm giving you a piece of me that you may never see again. I am real and you may not be used to this, I understand. We have become so accustomed to the illusions society puts in place. Everyday is the same meaningless routine, the same trot through the same part of town, the same nameless faces you pass at the same time every Wednesday. What does it matter what you do if you don't know why you are doing it? What does it matter that you're alive if you're not truly living? What is the sense in having this time if you're only going to waste it? You may be breathing in the air, but are you really taking it down? I don't want to know about your day so I won't tell you about mine. I'm not going to tell you about the place I'm from; I won't tell you about the things I've done. I'm writing about what moves me, what makes me happy, what brings me to my knees, what makes me bleed. I understand if you can't take it. I understand that this may be too much for you. Please step away if you are so inclined, and I will by no means be offended. Who knows, it may be for your own good. For the rest of you, you may chose to stay. Listen to my words as they pour out of my heart. Reach out and touch them if you want to, don't be afraid. Life is meant to be felt, not completed. Time is meant to be grasped, not prolonged. We are meant to be real, not to meet a standard.

What if time told you how tired it was?
All it needs is a brief respite; or, perhaps it has chosen to retire
What if all you had were this moment before time would render itself nonexistent, before all the tomorrow's would vanish for eternity?
What would you do with your moment?
Would you make it like everyone else's; or, would you etch an art-form from a pre-existing mold?
Would you take out your umbrella, knowing it may be the last time you feel rain; or, would you soak in it, dance with it, breathe it in, drink it down?
And what about that old raggedy man on the street? Would you throw him a quarter, or sit beside him and ask him where he's been?
There is a dandelion poking its way through the crack on the pavement, just a silly little weed Well it’s frozen here too and longs for its moment, but you’re going to step on it, aren’t you? Just like you’ve always done before; you never notice the little guys
There is so much beauty here, it could kill an amateur like yourself
But then, you’re dead already, aren’t you?
Aren’t we all if there is no tomorrow?
What are we going to do with this “now” if is almost over?

Yesterday was swept away before time was frozen
Now we live in the moment
A long way from yesterday, but so close to tomorrow
I want to open your eyes and tell you a little secret

Time
Is
Tired

I'm falling falling falling falling falling
Whirling winds like a tornado beneath me are slowing this process
Faster faster faster get it over with
So much to see from up here on the way down
It all looks so different when you're traveling upside-down
Right-side up
Sideways
Stillness
A transition into spring
The winds have let down, the sun is out
You are beneath me
With arms open and ready for the catch
Once again you have given me a hope
A hope that I can feel and touch and hold onto forever
Forever
I look at you and you are the reason that I live
And you are the reason I am living

Tonight he told me he loves me. I know how good he is to me. I know I should be with him because he deserves me. I know he loves me more than the world. How can I have feelings for someone else, someone who I will never have the courage to admit it to, someone who I will never get to know how he feels about me, when I already have someone who loves me so much?
Why do we always long to experience the unknown and reach for the faraway when all that we need is right here...
Help me because I'm drowning
And it's this sea of uncertainty I fear will wash me away forever...

It is pouring in D.C.
Although it was not my initial intention, I made a point of stepping in every puddle as I made my way through the quad on my morning I'm-late-let's-powerwalk to bio. Had I known that the last puddle would go halfway to my knees, I might have refrained from stepping into the first seven, so that I could muster up the greatest degree of pant-absorbancy for the grand finale. Oh well. We would all do many things differently if we could only see a few seconds into the future.
The word "vagina" was used nine times in my seventy-five minute bioloy lecture. Now, mind you, I am perfectly comfortable with hearing a four foot nine, sixty year old, balding man who resembles a penis (as a friend of mine so cleverly pointed out the other day) say "VAGINA!" at the top of his lungs over and over again. It's when the focus of the lecture is on types of coccus bacteria and where they are found in the body that I would say, eight times would be quite enough, thank you.

I am so good at this act
I've mastered the art of deception
I have fooled you, diverted your focus
Made you believe a lie
Or, crippled your mind, spliced your senses?
Oh Little One
You Naive Soul
I do this for your own good, don't you know?
It is better this way, it is better this way
I'll hold back, so you will be spared
Salvation will render your memory Forgiving
Warm Hearts and Blessed Souls will go not where you imagine
You have been spared
Take this knife and run with it, run with it

Drink up baby doll
Are you in or are you out?
Leave your things behind
'Cause it's all going off without you
Excuse me too busy you're writing your tragedy
These mishaps
You bubble-wrap
When you've no idea what you're like

So, let go, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

It gains the more it gives
And then it rises with the fall
So hand me that remote
Can't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow?
Such boundless pleasure
We've no time for later
Now you can't await
your own arrival
you've twenty seconds to comply

So, let go, so let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go, yeah let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

So, let go, so let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go, yeah let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

In the breakdown
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
The breakdown

So amazing here
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

-"Let Go" by Frou Frou-

Everything seems so much worse from our own eyes and the other side is so much more appealing
There is a lie ingrained in this innocence that wishes to become a truth
There is an escape in this prison disguised as a trap
But you can fall
You can cry
You can breathe
Breathe to live
Live because life is precious
It has died all around but not inside of you
There it is hidden, urges to come out
So let it
Let it out, let it grow, let it thrive
I knew she needed time
Today to came to me
She looked at me and cried
"I need this"
"I need your help"
"Can you save me?"
Things seems so much better from this side
Now I know what I must do
I know that every wound I have bled, and every pain I have suffered matters not
I am sick of dwelling here in this forsaken mess
Disgusted with my selfishness
Damn me for feeling self pity
Who am I to feel sorry for myself? I have so much here, I have a way out
I need to be strong for her now
I cherish that she trusts me when her door is locked to everyone else
I know when she comes to me, it is serious, it is real, this is real life - reality - REAL YOU IGNORANT SON OF A BITCH
She knows she can cry in front of me, with me, inside of me
I am strong for her
I have a purpose
This is my purpose
To pull her out
To save her
Hold these walls up still, lest they give in and trap you beneath them...

A little piece of me broke off and swam the ocean to reach you
On the way, it encountered numerous obstacles which tested its determination by tempting it to go back and abandon its mission
But the little piece did not give in, and held strong for countless days and countless nights
Days as stifling as a dragon's flame and nights as cold as the dead of an uninhabited arctic village, yet still the little piece pressed on
And though its courage was tested and its determination continually challenged, the little piece persevered, keeping your face ingrained in its mind because it loved you so
When it finally got to you, many years had passed and you were older and wiser, but just as beautiful as the first time
You were experienced and learned, but more distant than ever before
You had changed and no longer recognized the little piece that broke off from me and traveled so many years to reach you
You were older but nonetheless, lacking maturity
You were wiser but had lost the ability to think for yourself
You were beautiful but had forgotten that beauty is not everything
You were experienced, but your experiences had left you callous and unfeeling
You were learned but your acquired knowledge had rendered you critical of life and wary of your fellow men
And the little piece realized that it should have stayed where it began its long, arduous journey because even standing right before you, the same distance nevertheless divided you and the little piece
So the little piece took a short time to catch its breath, perhaps to wipe away a tear, perhaps to reflect for a moment on all the years it lost chasing after you
Then the little piece turned around, and began the long journey back home...

Rainbow flies and pick up lines
Your voice is coming through the line
Stand back a while
Don’t forget to smile
I don’t want to leave here alone
Oh but I’ve been alone
I’ve been alone
Oh for far too long
I know the sound of a beating heart
With no one on the other line to pick up

Your daffodils, your words of red
Are coming through my brain
They’re seeping in, those things you said
You’re making me go insane
Oh how I long to just reach out and hold you
But you’re always too far away
And I just want to say how much I love you
But you will never see that day
No you will never see that day

Your irresistible charm is taking over here
And I’ve fall victim to your spell
I swore I’d never let myself drown in your presence
And that’s what’s going here after all
And you sit back and watch me fall
You sit back and watch me fall

It’s a game for you
A show for two
Your smile
It radiates these airwaves
Coming through to me tonight
I’ve never seen a night so bright
I’ve never seen a night so bright…

I’m tugging at my hair
I’m pulling at my clothes
I’m trying to keep my cool
I know it shows
I’m staring at my feet
My checks are turning red
I’m searching for the words inside my head
I’m feeling nervous
Trying to be so perfect
Cause I know you’re worth it
You’re worth it

If I could say what I want to say
I’d say I want to blow you away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight?
If I could say what I want to see
I want to see you go down
On one knee
Marry me today
Yes, I’m wishing my life away
With these things I’ll never say

It don’t do me any good
It’s just a waste of time
What use is it to you
What’s on my mind?
If ain’t coming out
We’re not going anywhere
So why can’t I just tell you that I care
I’m feeling nervous
Trying to be so perfect
Cause I know you’re worth it
You’re worth it

What’s wrong with my tongue
These words keep slipping away
I stutter
I stumble
Like I’ve got nothing to say
Yes, I'm feeling nervous
Trying to be so perfect
Cause I know you're worth it
You're worth it

If I could say what I want to say
I’d say I want to blow you away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight?
If I could say what I want to see
I want to see you go down
On one knee
Marry me today
Yes, I’m wishing my life away
With these things I’ll never say

These things I'll never say


Lyrics by Unknown

Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood morning!
La la lalalalalalalalalalala
Today is a wonderful day, I can feel it in my bones! Haha like old people can feel when it's going to rain :)
No need for you today Mr. Tambourine Man, today is remedy in itself.
Shine Mr. Golden Sunshine, you're all I need to keep this high around, what is black anyway?
It's in the daffodils of my room, the white markings of dripped paint on my wooden floors
It's in the story of four beautiful, healthy, loving people who have the power to change this world and each other
IT'S IN THE MELTING SNOW, THE WITHERED GRASS, THE UNSETTLED GRAVEL OVERLYING THE PAVEMENT!
Can you feel it?
It's simply bliss...

La La La La
I love my power
It is growing
I am coming into my own
I am no longer the little naive girl who used to grovel at his feet
Who used to cry when he would go away
Leaving him all the contentness of knowing he was in control
Not anymore sucka!
Who's the boss now?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Oh it feels wonderful
I want to sing it from the rooftops!
HOORAYYYYY!!!
I win!
I rock!
Life is sensational
You don't own me anymore
And you can't live without ME now!
Can you?
NO YOU CAN'T!
And I love it!
I will show you NO MERCY!
Like you have never shown me any mercy all these years
Oh this is going to be incredible...

It was hidden under two sheets, 3 layers of plastic, and at least 5 unhung paintings. I uncovered my piano today. It was beautiful. It was only under all that because we had the entire interior of the house painted, which means a lot of stuff had to come off the walls. As I ran my hand along its incredible brilliant shiny black surface, dusting and polishing away, I realized how lucky I am. Lucky that may parents raised me to appreciate music and had the means to make it a part of my life. I have been playing the piano for ten years, singing since I came out of the womb, and recently discovered how to combine the two, with a splash of my own individuality and creativity to bring it nicely together. Music has saved me so many times, I will never be able to pay it back. Once I was even under the surface, thinking it was all over, but it raised up my arms and pulled me out... what power. Don't underestimate the power of music.
I love being home.
One more wonderful week of spring break.
I love being where I can write in the calm of my haven
Where the breeze is friendly, and doesn't cut glass
And the air is healthy, and doesn't scrape out the lining of your lungs
Where the faces are familiar, and they don't judge you for your sins
Home is the steady center of a constantly changing world
Home is where you grow up, and it is the place you leave
Home prepares you for a world outside its security
And sends you off with wishes and love and prayers, hoping you will never forget it
And you may find happiness elsewhere, you may not think of home for a long time
But you will never forget it
No matter how happy you are in your new skin
Home is always the place you long to be

I'm listening to a song that I haven't heard in a long time, and it's funny how it brings up feelings I haven't felt in a long time; feelings I thought I had conquered and effectively hidden in the clandestine depth of my heart. This song makes me think of someone I haven't thought of since I last saw him in December. He's one of those mysteries, the kind where you look at him and want to know what he is thinking, knowing full well that that is an impossible inquiry. I've loved him for as long as I've known him, but he will never know that. He will never know that I think he is wonderful, intelligent, adorable, and all the things that I could never have imagined finding. When he left this summer, I thought that would end all possibility that I would one day gather up enough courage to tell him how I felt about him. Now I realize that doesn't matter at all, I wouldn't be able to do it even if he were sitting in front of me for an entire year.

I'm in love with the sky. The blue canvas of heaven, blotted abstractly with fluffy white. Today may just be the most beautiful day in D.C., ever. It is March 7th, 70 degrees and the sun is so bright that it has the potential to blind sky-gazing pedestrians. Oh how I wish I didn't have three classes, a meeting, and a midterm to study for, so that I could go to the WWII memorial, sit on the grass and write some songs. I've neglected my music for a while now :( because there just hasn't been time. But that is another story entirely, I have to run to class number three now!

I've never been held so willingly in the midst of Gelman's walls. All of today (technically yesterday) was spent at the library, studying bio for my massive midterm on Wednesday. So Lou and I woke up at 9am, got dressed, Lindy-ed (which by the way is officially a verb for 'got breakfast at Lindy's') and headed off to the library with our massive quantities of books. It was an all time record - Eleven consecutive hours at the library (with only one 15 minute break in between). We were both quite impressed with ourselves. I also realized something today, Lou may just one of the only people I could possibly spend that much time with in an 8X8 space. I told her that and she laughed, saying that she felt the same way about me. We found our same sex soulmates!!! So, you might think that after that much time in the library we would have permanently lost our minds - but oh no, you'd be wrong! I'll admit there were times in that little study room when Lou and I went a bit loopy; but we found activities to get out our frustration and clear our heads for a bit.
Some of the things I love about going to the library with my Louie:
- Putting our hair into valley girl styles and flinging it at people walking by our study room
- Lou slapping herself everytime she starts to fall asleep (aka every 4 minutes)
- Drinking way too much Starbucks coffee and reciting profound Robert Ebert quotes from the cups
- Walking into glass doors, when the handle is clearly on the outside therefore indicating a "pull" is necessary
- Ridiculously noisy neighbors doing things in the study room next door that we don't want to know about
- Throwing clementines against the walls repeatedly, and then eating them... all
- Being really, really, really bad at basketball when all it involves is an orange and a trash can
- Lou, "Yo if college payed us $50,000 to get a 4.0, that'd be sweet..."
- Lou, "You know if you smile enough, you'll believe that you're happy? True story."
- Knowing that the above quote had no relevance at the moment, because we didn't have to pretend...

I don't believe in anything anymore...

This entry was going somewhere, I just don't think I can go there right now...